Reunion: A Conclusion 

I’ve been silent a long time. Maybe because I have been contemplating what reunion is and what it isn’t. I’ve have gone through many grieving periods of the many losses that adoption and reunion brings. I have finally come to a place where I’m okay and I truly want to strive for happiness in the remainder of my days. I will still have that feeling of sadness. I just choose not to focus on it anymore. 

When I found my daughter I went through many years of discovery. I regained memories that had been pushed out for a long time and was plunged deep into the grief that losing ones baby brings. I did my best at trying to build a friendship with her but was not successful. 

And that’s okay.

It is okay that one adult does not want to have a relationship with another adult. I could probably analyze my behavior, her behavior, her upbringing, etc until I draw my last breath. 

It won’t change that she doesn’t want to know me. 

So, over my silent period, I have chosen to stop the crazy making of the analysis. I send a birthday message and if she responds, she does. If she doesn’t, she doesn’t. 

I think that reunion, for me, was more of a reunion between who I should have been and who I had become. It was a reunion of myself. I have worked hard to crawl out of the depression and hopelessness.  I work every day to focus on what I do have and the love that I get from those who do want me in their life. I don’t want to waste the last half of my life dwelling on my trauma and what I don’t have. I want to feel and experience joy during my final years. We get one life and one shot at happiness. I’m going to grab what I can. 

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2 thoughts on “Reunion: A Conclusion 

  1. I know what you’ve been going through. I’m at the same stage as you are in your reunion, such as it is. I’m not very good at putting my feelings into words so I thank you for sharing your journey with us who are still suffering the loss of a child and subsequently the rejection and refusal of any contact after reunion. It will be 3 years in January that my son asked me to never contact him again. I went through many stages of grief, much worse than I could ever have imagined. I tried suicide and self medicated with alcohol. I didn’t think it would be possible to shed so many tears for so long. It hasn’t been easy but I’m managing to pull myself out of the black hole I’ve been in. I vowed that I will not become a bitter old lady and started looking beyond my belly button. There are people out there who love me no matter what and deserve to be loved back.
    I’m very sorry for the loss of you daughter. Your story has helped me in ways you’ll never know and gives me hope to continue healing. It’s possible!

    Sending you hugs,

    Veronika

    • Thanks Veronika. I am sorry for the loss of your son too. I wrote this so mother’s know that there is life left after reunion. There is happiness available even if we have to work harder to achieve it. I too thought of suicide many times. I allowed myself to cry openly on my daughters birthday this year. That is also okay. I cried for my baby, not the woman I found. I think allowing ourselves the time to still occasionally feel sad is also healthy. We just have to let it be moments rather than all consuming.

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