Suicide by Adoption

I lost a friend yesterday, well, he was found yesterday. A few years ago he had reached out to me for support services. We naturally became friends. You see Sean was an adoptee. He asked me to help him find his natural family. I had first found his mother, who refused to respond to me. I then found his father who lovingly folded Sean into his family immediately. They had a loving relationship. Sean’s dad had always wanted him and made sure he knew. Sadly the whole that adoption had created in Sean was too big that all the love from his father could not fill. A few years later, Sean reached out to his mother again. This time she responded. The heart wrenching, primal cry that came from this young man when he heard his mother’s voice was not enough to break open her motherhood. She sat silently while he cried “I have missed you my whole life”. I wonder if her love could have healed the wounds adoption had created, we will never know now.
There is no therapy and no pill to fix the pain adoption creates. Sean was unable to feel the love then rest of us gave. I will try to console myself that he knew his feelings were valid and just from the support of our little group. He was so kind and so sensitive. A very special young man. He gave me and others as much support and advice as what he received. I wished he could feel some sense of peace or happiness for some moment in time.

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A Year

It has been a year without one word from you. I’ve been doing ok. Surprisingly life continues along regardless of the pain a person feels. The finality may have been good for me to do what I can to place my pain and hope back into that box and try close the door. There isn’t much of an opening left anymore. I wonder at times if I will finally harden off and shut the door on you completely. I know that would be best for me and my raised family. I’m starting to get good at shutting my memories and feelings off. I guess practice makes perfect, as the saying goes.

I wanted to send you words of comfort for today. I know it will be a difficult day for you. It is for me too as it marks the loss of both of you for me. I have many differing opinions on what I should do. I will decide later. For now I will write to you here.

I remember and I think of you and him.