Continued Silence

It’s so hard becoming one of the many mothers who have been shunned by her child lost to adoption. I remember when I joined my first adoption support group during the time I began to regain my memories. I recall reading the stories of the various other mothers who’s children had cut off communication and thinking wow, I can’t imagine being so unlucky to be her. Strange how adoption can twist fate into a wickedly cruel path. It’s odd how little our children need to use as an excuse to cut us out of their lives. I read the other day of a mother who was cut off for wiping her hands on the wrong towels in the bathroom. What goes through the adoptee mind as they search for the smallest reason to cut off their mother? Do they want to get even for what they perceive as abandonment even though they know their mother had no choice? Why would they want to hurt the woman who had been forced/coerced into surrender? Do they not think her punishment for premarital sex was enough? What is enough? Suffering the nightmares, flashbacks and lifelong torment of what we had no control of for some reason isn’t enough pain to endure for some of our children. What is enough suffering for their loss to appease them? How many oceans of tears? Is our death the only price that is high enough? 

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6 thoughts on “Continued Silence

  1. I too have been banished into silence. It came out of left field at Christmas. Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Goodbye, said my son. Could the knife have been plunged any deeper? I’ve been trying to rationalize by saying to myself that he really cares about me but it hurts too much to keep in contact. However, I suspect that I’m being punished – you abandoned me, so now I’m abandoning you. My heart is broken. Death would be a welcome release.

      • Thank You. This weekend is full of triggers. Two years ago today my son and I made first contact and of course tomorrow is non-mother’s day for me. It’s all I can do to not send him a message telling him how hurt I am, but it’s not all about me. I’ll try to channel my angst by keeping busy and spending my time with people who actually want to be with me.

  2. “How many oceans of tears? Is our death the only price that is high enough?” Have felt this exactly more times than I care to count. I’m only ever a breath away from it at any given moment. I am shattered. I have precariously been glued back together and rebroken too many times.

  3. I’m sorry to hear of these stories. As an adoptee searching, I’m hoping for the best. But I also understand it is complicated. I think many adoptees struggle with loyalty and being stuck in the middle (2 mothers) I don’t know what my future holds but I am hoping that I don’t get rejected just like you’ve been. Seems like it happens both ways.

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