Death and Adoption

It is a strange thing to watch when a parent is nearing the end of thier life. Especially a parent who had many faults and has caused you the most horrific lifelong grief. I have forgiven my father a long time ago. He apologized once, sort of. I could see how sorry he was in his eyes, for a moment. He quickly shook it away. His actions caused him to lose too. He lost me for a very long time and the girl I was iloo forever lost and gone. He also lost his first granddaughter, never laid eyes on her. I wonder how deep that regret burns in him as he reflects the past. My dad was a victim too. Victim to societal views and the idea that adoption is a win win situation. It is strange how a persons wrongs become amplified to them as hey reach the last months, years and days. 

Just thinking tonight as my dad is back in the hospital. 


2 thoughts on “Death and Adoption

  1. I can emphasize with this. All four of my parents are deceased. When my adoptiive mother was told she had less than a year to live, she then began to reflect on what happened. The birth certificate issue loomed over our relationship for all of my adult life. Mom said she finally realized that my legal birth certificate said she gave birth to me. Mom said she now realized that she didn’t and on paper she did. It was as though the advance of a death sentence brought deeper thinking to her. While she didn’t appologize, Mom did try to come up with workable solutions. She even was upset that other activists were on TV and said that it should be me. That was a huge breakthrough as Mom had put me down for three decades for being in the public’s eye by writng newspaper articles. In her last few years, and she did live six years past the expected prognosis, Mom encouraged my activism. Between us, there was a peace that came. She did realize her regrets. And expressed some of them as to how my adoption affected our and other family relationships. Generational losses. And wasted years fighting with me, thinking that I was wrong to expose the system’s faults, thinking that I was wrong for my anger at the family lies. There was one problem that never got resolved: Mom never understood how her need to be my mother prevented me from knowing my own siblings when I needed them the most, in my childhood. Never appolgized, never acknowledged the damage. When asked, her eyes glazed over. I took that to mean she wanted me all to herself. If she was sorry for the secret, I don’t know. At least she wanted me to be with her in her last moments. And I was. Loving someone who hurt you so deeply, well, love is complicated. I am now three years on the other side of her death. Grief is still there. But so is relief. Wish you well in this journey. I can’t even begin to put into words my feelings about the deaths of my other three parents. Or the step mother I love dearly but cannot see due to complicated family mess.

    • I’m so sorry for your loss(es). Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful response. It was very helpful to hear your experience. I am glad to hear that you did get some resolutions before her passing. It is so hard when they go to the grave without any acknowledgement of their atrocious wrongs.

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