New Year

Another year has gone by. 2013 proved to be one of many medical scares for me regarding different members of my family. It was also a year of losing my first grandbaby to miscarriage and the reality that I already lost my grandchildren due to the adoption of my daughter. It also proved to deepen the valley between us (my lost daughter and i) and expand the ever deafening silence.

This past year has been one of great discovery for me. With the illness of my father, one of the main people who caused the loss of my daughter, becoming so severe, I had to come to the realization that my daughter does not care if he or any of us, are alive. I was going to let her know he was gravely ill and in hospital when I came to the realization that although he is her grandfather, she would not care nor be affected by his death. I also stumbled across an old email she sent me in our early days where she told me that she has a family and does not consider any of us family and never will. As sad as all this is, it has helped me to leave hope in the closet and to move forward with my life without her. I doubt we will ever meet or have a relationship at this point. Either way, I won’t chase her anymore. If, in the future, she wants to have a relationship (a real one) I will be willing. I’m not walking away, just closing the door. She will have try put effort in and treat me as a human with feelings if she changes her mind. 

Hopefully 2014 will be a year of great healing for me and all my sisters of loss, whether it is through restoration or closing the door.

Advertisements

One thought on “New Year

  1. Happy New Year L, it has been a significant year of changes and losses for me as well, and I cannot say that I am at all sad to leave this year behind. I have done much needed grieving and growth and it sounds like you have too. Here is to healing in 2014! Much love, T.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s