Another year has gone by. 2013 proved to be one of many medical scares for me regarding different members of my family. It was also a year of losing my first grandbaby to miscarriage and the reality that I already lost my grandchildren due to the adoption of my daughter. It also proved to deepen the valley between us (my lost daughter and i) and expand the ever deafening silence.
This past year has been one of great discovery for me. With the illness of my father, one of the main people who caused the loss of my daughter, becoming so severe, I had to come to the realization that my daughter does not care if he or any of us, are alive. I was going to let her know he was gravely ill and in hospital when I came to the realization that although he is her grandfather, she would not care nor be affected by his death. I also stumbled across an old email she sent me in our early days where she told me that she has a family and does not consider any of us family and never will. As sad as all this is, it has helped me to leave hope in the closet and to move forward with my life without her. I doubt we will ever meet or have a relationship at this point. Either way, I won’t chase her anymore. If, in the future, she wants to have a relationship (a real one) I will be willing. I’m not walking away, just closing the door. She will have try put effort in and treat me as a human with feelings if she changes her mind.
Hopefully 2014 will be a year of great healing for me and all my sisters of loss, whether it is through restoration or closing the door.