Baby Boxes: Are We Sure They’re a Good Idea?

pearl to be found

Let’s talk about infant abandonment,

My newsfeed is full of this story today. A Korean pastor who pioneered the “baby box” in his home town. The baby box is essentially a safe place for mothers to abandon their children. It is attached to this pastor’s orphanage and an alarm notifies him when an infant is placed in it so he can rescue them.

The argument is that baby boxes prevent children from being abandoned in unsafe places (like streets, fields, public bathrooms, etc..) where they might wait hours or days before being discovered and may not survive.

If only it were really that simple. Infant abandonment, however, is not as simple as mom doesn’t want baby, mom abandons baby, baby is rescued or dies.

Mom doesn’t want baby

Many people assume that if an infant is abandoned they are therefore unwanted. The problem with this assumption is that many times…

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Setting Heart Horse Free

I am unsure if anyone has read this yet but it sounds like it would be very good:

The Almost Daughter & More

ImageSitting on my table for the last few days has been the story of life until age 20.

I’ve held it, opened it, moved it around, read a line or two, shed a tear or two and felt very vulnerable.

I’m finally, after 8 years of writing, setting the first part of this journey free.  Into the world Heart Horse goes, and I’m ready.  Bring it on.

Bring on whatever you have to say, in fact, I really want to hear it.

I want you to convince me adoption doesn’t have ramifications.

I want you to convince me abuse doesn’t leave scars.

I want you to convince me that the Primal Wound and  In Utero Learning doesn’t exist and create a lifetime of ingrained belief systems that make it so difficult to know and feel loved.

 I would love to know that all those things mean nothing and the slate…

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Room at the Nest

Today I left my oldest raised daughter in another city as she will start her new job tomorrow morning. I am anxious and depressed. I wonder if “empty nest syndrome” or in my case, half empty nest syndrome is felt more deeply and intensely for those of us who’ve lost a child to adoption. I sobbed as we left home but tried to put my big girl panties on to get through the day. The heaviness is almost overwhelming and I’m desperately trying to shake this off. I have been pretty close to a helicopter mom since a few months after her birth when I realized no one was going to take her from me. I have been the same with my youngest too. I’ve been considered aggressively protective but now I’ve been forced to leave my first raised child to fend for herself. I’m so scared someone will hurt her or worse. Not sure if I’ll sleep tonight. 

Death and Adoption

It is a strange thing to watch when a parent is nearing the end of thier life. Especially a parent who had many faults and has caused you the most horrific lifelong grief. I have forgiven my father a long time ago. He apologized once, sort of. I could see how sorry he was in his eyes, for a moment. He quickly shook it away. His actions caused him to lose too. He lost me for a very long time and the girl I was iloo forever lost and gone. He also lost his first granddaughter, never laid eyes on her. I wonder how deep that regret burns in him as he reflects the past. My dad was a victim too. Victim to societal views and the idea that adoption is a win win situation. It is strange how a persons wrongs become amplified to them as hey reach the last months, years and days. 

Just thinking tonight as my dad is back in the hospital. 

New Year

Another year has gone by. 2013 proved to be one of many medical scares for me regarding different members of my family. It was also a year of losing my first grandbaby to miscarriage and the reality that I already lost my grandchildren due to the adoption of my daughter. It also proved to deepen the valley between us (my lost daughter and i) and expand the ever deafening silence.

This past year has been one of great discovery for me. With the illness of my father, one of the main people who caused the loss of my daughter, becoming so severe, I had to come to the realization that my daughter does not care if he or any of us, are alive. I was going to let her know he was gravely ill and in hospital when I came to the realization that although he is her grandfather, she would not care nor be affected by his death. I also stumbled across an old email she sent me in our early days where she told me that she has a family and does not consider any of us family and never will. As sad as all this is, it has helped me to leave hope in the closet and to move forward with my life without her. I doubt we will ever meet or have a relationship at this point. Either way, I won’t chase her anymore. If, in the future, she wants to have a relationship (a real one) I will be willing. I’m not walking away, just closing the door. She will have try put effort in and treat me as a human with feelings if she changes her mind. 

Hopefully 2014 will be a year of great healing for me and all my sisters of loss, whether it is through restoration or closing the door.