Reblogging 🙂 Its one of my favorite quotes
Today I left my oldest raised daughter in another city as she will start her new job tomorrow morning. I am anxious and depressed. I wonder if “empty nest syndrome” or in my case, half empty nest syndrome is felt more deeply and intensely for those of us who’ve lost a child to adoption. I sobbed as we left home but tried to put my big girl panties on to get through the day. The heaviness is almost overwhelming and I’m desperately trying to shake this off. I have been pretty close to a helicopter mom since a few months after her birth when I realized no one was going to take her from me. I have been the same with my youngest too. I’ve been considered aggressively protective but now I’ve been forced to leave my first raised child to fend for herself. I’m so scared someone will hurt her or worse. Not sure if I’ll sleep tonight.
It is a strange thing to watch when a parent is nearing the end of thier life. Especially a parent who had many faults and has caused you the most horrific lifelong grief. I have forgiven my father a long time ago. He apologized once, sort of. I could see how sorry he was in his eyes, for a moment. He quickly shook it away. His actions caused him to lose too. He lost me for a very long time and the girl I was iloo forever lost and gone. He also lost his first granddaughter, never laid eyes on her. I wonder how deep that regret burns in him as he reflects the past. My dad was a victim too. Victim to societal views and the idea that adoption is a win win situation. It is strange how a persons wrongs become amplified to them as hey reach the last months, years and days.
Just thinking tonight as my dad is back in the hospital.
Another year has gone by. 2013 proved to be one of many medical scares for me regarding different members of my family. It was also a year of losing my first grandbaby to miscarriage and the reality that I already lost my grandchildren due to the adoption of my daughter. It also proved to deepen the valley between us (my lost daughter and i) and expand the ever deafening silence.
This past year has been one of great discovery for me. With the illness of my father, one of the main people who caused the loss of my daughter, becoming so severe, I had to come to the realization that my daughter does not care if he or any of us, are alive. I was going to let her know he was gravely ill and in hospital when I came to the realization that although he is her grandfather, she would not care nor be affected by his death. I also stumbled across an old email she sent me in our early days where she told me that she has a family and does not consider any of us family and never will. As sad as all this is, it has helped me to leave hope in the closet and to move forward with my life without her. I doubt we will ever meet or have a relationship at this point. Either way, I won’t chase her anymore. If, in the future, she wants to have a relationship (a real one) I will be willing. I’m not walking away, just closing the door. She will have try put effort in and treat me as a human with feelings if she changes her mind.
Hopefully 2014 will be a year of great healing for me and all my sisters of loss, whether it is through restoration or closing the door.