Only Bubbly knows. Now all of you do too. I didn’t want anyone to tell me to have hope, hang on or not be a serial abondoner. I need to do it for me and for her. I will not delete her from FB but I am done. I won’t chase her or beg anymore. To be honest, she has done nothing but hurt me over and over for the past 4 out of 6 years of our electronic reunion. The last message I got was from her husband telling me not to contact her again. I sent an apology for something I shouldn’t apologize for and a couple weeks later a happy birthday message. I won’t torture myself anymore. I won’t be made to be the asshole for loving my own child either. I’m done, for me and my raised family. I’m a good, kind person and mother. I won’t allow her to make me feel like an outsider and annoyance. I will send her a birthday message each year but that is all. I left my baby in a hospital. I won’t ever get her back and I need to deal with it. 

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4 thoughts on “

  1. L. Please email me privately if you wish. I understand completely what you are going through right now. I’m there too; and to be honest as much as you might need someone to talk to who understands–I really do as well. This is HARD and I realize now how little it helps to be told not to give up. I don’t know if you have my private email or not: *********. I realize publishing that leaves me open to being found on google search, but who cares at this point. Please email me. xo

  2. As I read your many posts, I’m struck by how similar our journeys are.

    Me. the almost daughter and you the mother of loss. While I didn’t find my biological family until I was 50 and found siblings and a mother living surrounded in secrets and lies, I found her and lost her in the same breath, and now my siblings and I have no contact as well.

    We are all filled with such trauma. We carry, they say, 7 generations of maternal pain. I am trying to break the cycle with my 35yr old daughter but at the moment we are estranged.

    I just wanted you to know, in my heart I understand the pain of being separated, the primal wound, the aftermath of reunion and process of having to “let go”. I only wish my mother had looked for me, acknowledged me. I hope someday your daughter will be able to see past her pain and understand yours.

    Namaste

    • I think sometimes, when we are consumed by so much pain, it is hard for us to let down our guard to see that others around us hurt too. I am sorry your mother was not able to release her motherhood. It is scary to do so, you fully feel what you weren’t allowed to so many years before.

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