Well, I had been in touch with a fellow mother over the last week and even this weekend. The two of us share the same birth month of our surrendered children. I had been bravely optimistic that THIS year I had it all figured out and THIS year I was not going to hit that same terrible funk that I always do……
Today is October 1st. Today in the shower, I cried. Today on the way to work, I cried. I had worked so hard all year to put everything back into the closet and to shut off my feelings. I really wanted and NEEDED to be able to stop having my emotional, month long, breakdown. I want to have a NORMAL life where the birth month of your child does not make you have irrational depression. I often wonder if mothers who have a REAL and FULL reunion with thier child still get the same severity of depression during the birth month. Of course, this is something that I wouldn’t know since my daughter is silent with me.
So yes, my fellow mothers of adoption loss, I have been silent still because there is nothing to tell. I write, she ignores. I beleive she reads what I write and often times I wonder what goes through her mind when she chooses not to respond. I wonder if she reads it and then thinks I am an idiot for continuing to try or if she reads it and is still trying to process where to fit me in and chooses not to respond because she still doesn’t know.
This is turning into a bi-annual update. I will attempt to write with a bit more regularity.