It has been 9 months since I have heard from you. I sent you a card for your birthday, yesterday. I kept my distance and sent it by email as you’ve requested. I wonder if you got it. I wonder what you think and feel when you see a message or email from me. Does it make you happy, angry, sad or do you just feel nothing? I am sorry if adoption has hurt you, it has hurt me too. I am doing much better in the past year. I think I have gotten through the worst of my grieving the loss of my baby and then the loss of you, my adult daughter, and the time we lost and still lose. I am not the person I was post adoption and prereunion. I’m someone new. Would you like to know me? I would love to know you. I miss you but I have let go of what I have no control over. I am always willing to accept you and what you can give. The door will never close to you. I won’t chase you anymore or be an emotional doormat. I deserve to be treated kindly and with respect as I have done for you.
I hope your birthday was good. This year I didn’t cry for you or me. It just was and is passed now. I am stronger.
Well, I had been in touch with a fellow mother over the last week and even this weekend. The two of us share the same birth month of our surrendered children. I had been bravely optimistic that THIS year I had it all figured out and THIS year I was not going to hit that same terrible funk that I always do……
Today is October 1st. Today in the shower, I cried. Today on the way to work, I cried. I had worked so hard all year to put everything back into the closet and to shut off my feelings. I really wanted and NEEDED to be able to stop having my emotional, month long, breakdown. I want to have a NORMAL life where the birth month of your child does not make you have irrational depression. I often wonder if mothers who have a REAL and FULL reunion with thier child still get the same severity of depression during the birth month. Of course, this is something that I wouldn’t know since my daughter is silent with me.
So yes, my fellow mothers of adoption loss, I have been silent still because there is nothing to tell. I write, she ignores. I beleive she reads what I write and often times I wonder what goes through her mind when she chooses not to respond. I wonder if she reads it and then thinks I am an idiot for continuing to try or if she reads it and is still trying to process where to fit me in and chooses not to respond because she still doesn’t know.
This is turning into a bi-annual update. I will attempt to write with a bit more regularity.