Alright, I told you I’d be back to write a little update. Things have not changed with my “reunion” but I have done some growing up. I have learned so much from my wonderful adopted freinds and I am forever grateful to them. I am no longer the hurting 15 year old wanting, yearning and wishing to have my baby back. This does not mean that I have “healed” from the trauma induced by adoption but that I can finally put my trauma to the side to live again. I have greived for my lost baby and need to now see if there is anything that can come of two adults knowing each other. I have realized that what was lost will never be recovered. I am an adult and so is she. I cannot reparent her and I will never recoup the lost time that is glaringly obvious between us. I guess you can say that I have “let go”. This doesn’t mean that I don’t want her in my life and that I don’t love her. I always will want and love her but I no longer obsess over needing her to be in my life. I can’t control what another adult does and in reality, life does get busy. She is newly married and is making her own life as a young adult and truly it must be hard to find time in her life for the freinds and family she knows.
I am focusing on my own story and the injustices done to myself and other mothers like me. This is my story and I do not need to be scared that she’ll see it and be angry that I told the truth. I have come to the realization that I cannot hide what happened. I need to stand by my sisters and speak out with them and fully join the fight for justice. I cannot control her reactions if she were to find out the truth, it is not for me to worry about. So, I have even allowed a reporter to use my name in an article. I had severe anxiety but once I read the published piece, I was fine. I felt free actually. So while I have been “away” from my blog, I have been regrowing up and learning the lessons that I needed in order to move forward with my life. This has been a very long road but I am happy I have gotten where I am. I think we need to greive the loss of our child both when we lose them and when we find them. Then we need to let go and allow things to move where they will without force or grovelling. It is hard to push the desparation aside but once you can get by it, it feels better.