23 Christmas’s

This year will mark the 23rd Christmas without a part of my family. Holidays and anniversaries are always such a difficult time with those of us who lost in adoption. My surrendered daughter is now married (as of November) and will soon begin her own family. I reactivated my facebook account just to sneak a peak and see if she had. Yes, it was like a knife in my heart to see she did indeed get married and had not emailed me to share her good news. So, as usual, this revelation had me spinning back down that damn dark adoption hole again and I am so glad I have learned to not send any messages while I am in this state. Instead, I wrote out my long email to her blurting out all of the thigns she does not want the hear, like what truly happened to me when she was surrendered. I was so disappointed when I asked for opinions from my precious adoptee friends and other natural moms. They all told me not to send it which truthfully I knew they would. I am so thankful for all of them. It allowed me to vent what I want to say to her to try to make her understand why she was adopted. I knew this letter would never be sent but damn did I want to. There is one adoptee who responded to me and I was really set back into reality. Her words to me were very kind but she stated that in reading my email it was like reading something from someone much younger than I am. This really has me thinking. I have heard numerous times that often the mother will regress back to the time of surrender in reunion. Is this what I’ve done? It has really thrown me back to make me analyze my words, writing and actions and how they can be construed by my daughter. I am glad I have taken a mile long step back at this point since hearing those words. I think my hurt and traumatized 15 year old me needs to grow up before I can be expected to be in a grown up relationship. I have never recognised this before as I have always felt I was acting like an adult. I guess sometimes it takes someone from the outside to tell you before you can fix it.

Happy holidays to all my wonderful adoptee and natural mother friends. I hope for a near painless holiday season for you all. You have all been my rock when I needed one.


6 thoughts on “23 Christmas’s

  1. It seems that adoption is very much on the political agenda now. Martin Narey, the governments adoption advisor (formally of the Home office and Barnardo’s) has called for a 50% increase in the number of adoptions. In many cases adoption appears to be the right option but there is also a real financial pressure to reduce the number of (much more expensive) foster placements by raising the age of children who are considered for adoption – many older children cannot settle in adoptive placements, often because they still identify with their birth families. There is a real danger that this trend could lead to more examples of the practices that can be seen at – http://invisibleengland2.wordpress.com/

    • I’m curious as to your reasons that “adoption seems to be the right option”. Adoption is rarely an “option” as it is thrust upon mothers who rarely have another viable choice, therefore removing all possibility of adoption being a choice which makes it force. Forced adoption is just a nice way to word abduction.

  2. I am so sorry. I know how much that would hurt. I am an adoptee and a first mom. I have only been in reunion with my first mom for about 2 years but we have encountered so much

    • Ally, I am so sorry for all of your losses. Your natural family and the loss of your child. I hope you are able to push through the tough times of hurt and anger with your natural mother. You have the advantage of knowing the lifelong pain of being seperated from your child and have first hand knowledge of the deep trauma this causes to her.

    • Von, I have you to thank for telling me not to send it also. Sometimes I go off the deep end and am so glad I have contact with some adoptees like you to reel me back into reality again.

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