This year will mark the 23rd Christmas without a part of my family. Holidays and anniversaries are always such a difficult time with those of us who lost in adoption. My surrendered daughter is now married (as of November) and will soon begin her own family. I reactivated my facebook account just to sneak a peak and see if she had. Yes, it was like a knife in my heart to see she did indeed get married and had not emailed me to share her good news. So, as usual, this revelation had me spinning back down that damn dark adoption hole again and I am so glad I have learned to not send any messages while I am in this state. Instead, I wrote out my long email to her blurting out all of the thigns she does not want the hear, like what truly happened to me when she was surrendered. I was so disappointed when I asked for opinions from my precious adoptee friends and other natural moms. They all told me not to send it which truthfully I knew they would. I am so thankful for all of them. It allowed me to vent what I want to say to her to try to make her understand why she was adopted. I knew this letter would never be sent but damn did I want to. There is one adoptee who responded to me and I was really set back into reality. Her words to me were very kind but she stated that in reading my email it was like reading something from someone much younger than I am. This really has me thinking. I have heard numerous times that often the mother will regress back to the time of surrender in reunion. Is this what I’ve done? It has really thrown me back to make me analyze my words, writing and actions and how they can be construed by my daughter. I am glad I have taken a mile long step back at this point since hearing those words. I think my hurt and traumatized 15 year old me needs to grow up before I can be expected to be in a grown up relationship. I have never recognised this before as I have always felt I was acting like an adult. I guess sometimes it takes someone from the outside to tell you before you can fix it.
Happy holidays to all my wonderful adoptee and natural mother friends. I hope for a near painless holiday season for you all. You have all been my rock when I needed one.