Damn I hate this month. It is a reminder of what I lost 23 years ago. The memories of  events leading up to the fateful day where my daughter no longer was mine have been plaguing me. I have been fighting off this feeling of despair and dread as best I can but sometimes it just overwhelms me. So I find myself here…again. Writing my woes and hating that I feel pathetic. Hating it even more that people who don’t “get it” consider me pathetic and can’t understand why I can’t just “get over it” and “move on”.

I have finally come to grips with the fact that this is just the way things are and I will never be whole or healed. I get that. I just wish I could find a way to skip this damn month. I have considered dropping all blogs, support groups and websites that are adoption just to try to “forget” but I know I’d be only fooling myself. Every time I hop on the boat that takes me down the wonderful river “de-nile” it loops right back into hell. I enjoy floating down it when I do though. It’s nice to be able to put that box of heartache back into the closet if only for a month or two.

So I am now wondering what to do. Do I email her a happy birthday message? She has never acknowledged me when I do. Do I be dangerous and post a happy birthday message on her facebook wall for all to see? I am uncertain how I’d feel if she removed it. Maybe I should ignore her this time like she ignores me? I doubt she would even notice I didn’t acknowledge it, unless her natural father remembers and sends a birthday greeting. In that case I’d be screwed.

I have no idea if she has gotten married yet. She won’t tell me the date and I haven’t seen any updates yet. Maybe that has a part in the “darkness” I feel right now. Always pushed to the side, kept in the dark about everything regarding her. Hell, I was kept in the dark about her adoption too.

Well, I guess I have whined enough for today. I’ll go home and try to drown myself in alcohol.


6 thoughts on “October

  1. Oh V ~ I wish there was something to say or do to make you feel better, but I know there is nothing. I do feel your pain though, and am so sorry that this is your life now. While it is wonderful knowing there are others out there who “get it”, it is just as horrible knowing that someone else out there is living life without their child thru adoption. My heart breaks for you…

    As far as the birthday. Send a card. Snail mail if you can, or through an email. If you do facebook? That ones iffy. It would kill me if I sent one to my son but he took it down… I would instead send one via fb but through a message, not on her wall.

    And yes, the trip on that river is a great one ~ but you are right that you end up right back in hell sooner or later.

    You aren’t whining, and I hope you aren’t drowning in alcohol. But I will have a margarita for you my friend! If only we could have a few together : )

      • no good drowning your sorrows in alcahol and oblivion .. been there tried that dosent work but makes for a sick head as in depression …give her space at least youre lucky you know where she is i havent a clue where my child /adult is .. be thankful for that and she may come looking .. depends what the adopters told her .

  2. You and me have the October blues. For good reason, October is more than just the “changing of the seasons”, it was the “changing of our lives”. I used to make myself so busy, absolutely insanely busy, and I would forget his birthday on the 29th. Did this for years, would all of a sudden remember on Halloween, and think “man, I am such an awful person not to remember his birthday. Didn’t deserve him after all”. Now I know why I subconsciously did it – because it is too painful to remember. We had a baby born into our family last week, we brought presents, took pictures and were giddy with excitement. When my son was born, I cried, no one brought gifts, no one offered congratulations, it was a sad, sad day.

    Vamp, one foot in front of the other, one day at a time. The only golden thing about this month is that two loving mothers brought two children safely into the world, to live their lives, albeit without their first moms. Hopefully, these two children have made the world a better place.

    Hugs my friend.

  3. my daughter edele zak born 3 october 1974 in hollies st hospital dublin . …i never gave her that name i gave her the name zada …the nuns must have given her that name . i ended up in a mental hospitalover it all .

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