Damn I hate this month. It is a reminder of what I lost 23 years ago. The memories of events leading up to the fateful day where my daughter no longer was mine have been plaguing me. I have been fighting off this feeling of despair and dread as best I can but sometimes it just overwhelms me. So I find myself here…again. Writing my woes and hating that I feel pathetic. Hating it even more that people who don’t “get it” consider me pathetic and can’t understand why I can’t just “get over it” and “move on”.
I have finally come to grips with the fact that this is just the way things are and I will never be whole or healed. I get that. I just wish I could find a way to skip this damn month. I have considered dropping all blogs, support groups and websites that are adoption just to try to “forget” but I know I’d be only fooling myself. Every time I hop on the boat that takes me down the wonderful river “de-nile” it loops right back into hell. I enjoy floating down it when I do though. It’s nice to be able to put that box of heartache back into the closet if only for a month or two.
So I am now wondering what to do. Do I email her a happy birthday message? She has never acknowledged me when I do. Do I be dangerous and post a happy birthday message on her facebook wall for all to see? I am uncertain how I’d feel if she removed it. Maybe I should ignore her this time like she ignores me? I doubt she would even notice I didn’t acknowledge it, unless her natural father remembers and sends a birthday greeting. In that case I’d be screwed.
I have no idea if she has gotten married yet. She won’t tell me the date and I haven’t seen any updates yet. Maybe that has a part in the “darkness” I feel right now. Always pushed to the side, kept in the dark about everything regarding her. Hell, I was kept in the dark about her adoption too.
Well, I guess I have whined enough for today. I’ll go home and try to drown myself in alcohol.