The Silence

Since my last post I have been still sitting in the deafening silence of no reply or any contact of my daughter. The silence has been good for me. I have come to some realizations through the silence.

I have realized that my pain of surrender is not my daughters pain. She has no knowledge of and does not have a personal need to know of my pain. She is also not the “cure” for my pain. I think in me placing so much emphasis on wanting her to know, or ask, I have negated her own struggles and pain. My own pain is mine to deal with and try to come to peace with on my own, yet her pain is MY responsibility to deal with if she allows me to help her through.

I have come to grips with, or think I have, of realizing that I do not “fit” into her life. Adoption is unnatural and obscures the natural lines of placement within a persons life. I cannot be her “friend” because our history and genetics has not allowed that type of placement. I cannot be placed in her life as “mother” because someone else filled my place for so long. This leaves us in a completely precarious predicament of not having anywhere where I “fit”. I do actually feel within my soul that she would like to find a place where I can “fit” but it is confusing and frustrating and is easier to just not deal with the predicament of trying to sort it all out.

Her wedding is coming up soon. I have not sent an email of anything for a while now. I have chosen to not complicate things right now as I am sure she is very busy with a full schedule right now. I struggle with trying to know if I should voice any of the realizations to her at this time since I know it is a very emotionally charged time for her.

She has not removed me from her Facebook account which tells me that she is just putting me on hold. I need to learn to focus on her, as she is today and what her needs and wants are today instead of what my own needs to try to quell my pain and fears are. It is tough to know what to do and if I should do anything at all. I am fortunate that she was so gracious as to allow me a glimpse into her life. Not every mother gets to know if the child they lost even grew up.

This journey has taken me so many places and not all of them good. I will still fight for every mother who is wronged and every adoptee that has ever lost their family, but this is not my daughters fight as she did not live what I have lived.

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4 thoughts on “The Silence

  1. Much of what you write here I could also write. I wish it wasn’t so ~ for either of us. For the most part I’m doing better with the silence, but there are times when it about kills me. I have been trying to not label what has come to be as “silence”, but that really is what it is.

  2. Ah, the wedding. When I was first in reunion I never doubted I would be included. Two years later who knows? You sound in a good place. I too have a lot of silence sprinkled with small glimpses. I’m forever grateful for the place I do hold. And you are so right our pain is not their pain. I’m glad she has a full life filled with wonderful friends. My recovery has little to do with her. It’s a life long project. Too bad young girls today are still being hoodwinked and the agency’s are making them think it’s all their ‘choice’. Bull. Who wouldn’t choose motherhood over what we call a life after relinquishment. And even if our life was a bed of roses who wouldn’t choose motherhood? It’s the joy of a lifetime.

    • Barb! I am happy to see you found me here. I’m on SFM with you :).
      I am in a better place than I was, although the bad days still come, especially when I have the dreams about her like last night. So today I am in a not so good place but I am still better than I was even a few months ago.
      You are so right, who would “choose” this life over motherhood?

      Did you ever attend your daughters wedding?

  3. My daughter never married. If she were to marry who knows if I would. Today nit being included would crush me. I would know it’s not about me but it’s about her journey. Her silence is her way of dealing with her pain. Or maybe her way of ignoring her pain. Either one is valid. Pals let me know on Sunnies who you are. Love your posts!!

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