Since my last post I have been still sitting in the deafening silence of no reply or any contact of my daughter. The silence has been good for me. I have come to some realizations through the silence.
I have realized that my pain of surrender is not my daughters pain. She has no knowledge of and does not have a personal need to know of my pain. She is also not the “cure” for my pain. I think in me placing so much emphasis on wanting her to know, or ask, I have negated her own struggles and pain. My own pain is mine to deal with and try to come to peace with on my own, yet her pain is MY responsibility to deal with if she allows me to help her through.
I have come to grips with, or think I have, of realizing that I do not “fit” into her life. Adoption is unnatural and obscures the natural lines of placement within a persons life. I cannot be her “friend” because our history and genetics has not allowed that type of placement. I cannot be placed in her life as “mother” because someone else filled my place for so long. This leaves us in a completely precarious predicament of not having anywhere where I “fit”. I do actually feel within my soul that she would like to find a place where I can “fit” but it is confusing and frustrating and is easier to just not deal with the predicament of trying to sort it all out.
Her wedding is coming up soon. I have not sent an email of anything for a while now. I have chosen to not complicate things right now as I am sure she is very busy with a full schedule right now. I struggle with trying to know if I should voice any of the realizations to her at this time since I know it is a very emotionally charged time for her.
She has not removed me from her Facebook account which tells me that she is just putting me on hold. I need to learn to focus on her, as she is today and what her needs and wants are today instead of what my own needs to try to quell my pain and fears are. It is tough to know what to do and if I should do anything at all. I am fortunate that she was so gracious as to allow me a glimpse into her life. Not every mother gets to know if the child they lost even grew up.
This journey has taken me so many places and not all of them good. I will still fight for every mother who is wronged and every adoptee that has ever lost their family, but this is not my daughters fight as she did not live what I have lived.