I am working on finding peace. I don’t believe that there is healing in adoption loss. Peace, however, has possibilities. I have been weaning myself off of the monthly emails to my lost daughter as it seems to be almost an irritant to respond to me. I have gotten tired of the one way relationship (if you can call it that) that we seem to have. I email her, then check a million times in hopes of a response. The response sometimes comes and sometimes doesn’t. Hope is a terrible thing to have, it creates anxiety as you wait for something to transform your relationship from what it is into something that is should have always been. I think I have finally given up hope and am trying to find acceptance and some sort of peace. I have been here all along waiting and trying for over 3 years with little in return. I think that this pattern is destructive to me and I am doing my best to try to let go. I have been very busy with a new acreage that we are developing which helps immensely with keeping my mind occupied instead of the constant waiting and hoping. She has not been rude to me but I can tell that it is too much like work for her to just have a plain, normal conversation. I have given up the dream of seeing her face to face and have taken a break from most of my adoption support sites.
One day soon I am looking forward to the possibility of peace.