Peace

I am working on finding peace. I don’t believe that there is healing in adoption loss. Peace, however, has possibilities. I have been weaning myself off of the monthly emails to my lost daughter as it seems to be almost an irritant to respond to me. I have gotten tired of the one way relationship (if you can call it that) that we seem to have. I email her, then check a million times in hopes of a response. The response sometimes comes and sometimes doesn’t. Hope is a terrible thing to have, it creates anxiety as you wait for something to transform your relationship from what it is into something that is should have always been. I think I have finally given up hope and am trying to find acceptance and some sort of peace. I have been here all along waiting and trying for over 3 years with little in return. I think that this pattern is destructive to me and I am doing my best to try to let go. I have been very busy with a new acreage that we are developing which helps immensely with keeping my mind occupied instead of the constant waiting and hoping. She has not been rude to me but I can tell that it is too much like work for her to just have a plain, normal conversation. I have given up the dream of seeing her face to face and have taken a break from most of my adoption support sites.

One day soon I am looking forward to the possibility of peace.

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5 thoughts on “Peace

  1. I was watching Oprah today, her definition of forgiveness is, “Letting go of how you wish the past was different”. Okay, I can’t remember the quote word by word, but when she said it I thought of you. I thought of how difficult it is to finish the grieving process because there is always hope that things will be different, hope that we can have a relationship with something that was lost. My heart goes to you during this time, I think what you are doing is brave and it just may bring you some peace. Let me know in a few months how it felt to step away and let go of your hopes.
    XOX

    • Thanks Nichole, I will still be available by email if you need me. I just needed to step back from all things adoption and try to direct focus elsewhere. Now I am trying to let the hope go. I still hold hope for you though :). Maybe one day….boys tend to wait until latter in life to search and maybe it is better that way.

  2. V – finding peaceful times is possible, I’m not too sure that adoption-related peace can be permanent though. Adoption loss is so deep-seated in our souls…

    This may sound hokey, and I’m not an uber-religious person, but I only began to truly feel at peace regarding Christopher’s place in my life when I changed my prayers from “Please let him want more” to “Please help me accept what we have now”.

    I hope you find that heart-healing peace you are searching for…

  3. I don’t think it matters male or female, young or old, if the need for a relationship is not there, it won’t be. The hurt is just as bad, if not worse, the second time. I agree with Susie that acceptance, rather than peace, is probably the most we can hope for. For so many of us, a true relationship will just not be, not matter how much we want it. If you find a way to find either peace, or acceptance, please tell me how, because I seem to vacillate between hurt and anger and I am getting very weary of it all.

    • I have heard that timing is everything and I do know that right now is probably a poor time for her. I do try to view from her side as well. With an upcoming wedding to plan for her time must be occupied with family and friends, along with a fiance. Only time will tell. I read something someone else wrote (can’t remember who or where) that left a great impression on me. She said “what was done cannot be undone” which means that reunion cannot recover what was lost..ever. Knowledge that they are alive is about the best we can hope for, if more comes we can embrace it then. I also came across another quote today “Modern day witch burning – strip her of her child and allow the utter shame of it burn her to death. Hence, her suffering will last her lifetime.” by my facebook friend Deb Bee. This is so true. The suffering does not end.

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