As Good as it Gets

Acceptance in adoption is difficult at best. If a woman truly neither loved nor wanted her child, I guess for her it would be easy to walk away and never look back, never recall her child, never long to know him or her. Unfortunately, that scenario accounts for about 1% of all adoption situations. As Mother’s Day is fast approaching, I have been thrust into my depression of knowing another year will go by without being acknowledged by my oldest daughter on this day. This Mother’s Day will account for 22 of which I will not be acknowledge by society, family nor friends of being HER mother. I am desperate for relief of this unending hell that has consumed me in silence for so long. My silence is still there as no one wants to hear about the horrors of adoption nor my longing and unending love for her. I must be silent as it causes arguments in my personal life if I speak out. I suffer alone even though I have connected with my sisters who have also endure the same loss.

I found my daughter on Facebook. I found her 3 years ago. Actually, April 22, 2008 is when we became Facebook friends. I had found her a month prior. She was less than pleased to be found, to say the least. I had the fantasy of a wonderful reunion where she wanted to know me and we could become the best of friends. We would go shopping together and movies and dinners. I guess I was the only one which had those hopes. I don’t know what she had ever really wanted. We emailed each other frequently for the first 6 months as she had lots of questions regarding medical stuff, etc. Things slowed down to a comfortable once or twice a month and it seemed we had a nice friendship developing. Then she met with her natural paternal grandparents last summer. Her and I have never met face to face nor even had a telephone conversation. After she met with them she went silent for about 8 months. She finally began to respond sporadically to me via email but no real conversations. In February of this year she finally asked the BIG question which was if I regretted “giving her up”. I responded telling her that I had no choice and that I didn’t “give her up” and that there were things done to me to ensure that we were separated. She has never asked anything about it again. I don’t think she is interested in knowing the truth.

I have been emotionally down this week as the dreaded “M” day gets closer. I looked for some relief and found a book. It’s called Adoption Healing by Joe Soll. He has a book for mothers and one for adoptees. I am halfway through it and it has been shockingly dead on in the true accounts of adoption. Unfortunately it also talks about reunion and how most abruptly end without notice and for unknown reasons. Very few reunions create lasting relationships leaving the one who desires it in extreme emotional pain. Reunion sucks for the most part. I am at the whim of what she wants to know or when she wants to talk. All I want is to be near her and become close to her. I guess a one line email once every one or two months is about as good as it gets. I should count myself lucky that she is courteous enough to respond at whim. I thought once she knew I was forced to surrender her that she would be warmer, more welcoming. I thought wrong.
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7 thoughts on “As Good as it Gets

  1. Yeah… I’m right there with you V. The M Day blues hit me today ~ it will only be down hill till Monday now. Here’s to us moms who can’t claim motherhood to our lost children ~ may we survive these next horrendous days.

    I think I need a (pitcher of) margarita…

  2. It’s a toughie for us all.Glad you’ve found Joe’s books, you might like Evelyn Robinson’s books of reunion too.
    Maybe you need to stop thinking of this relationship with your daughter as a friendship, it will never be that.We all go through many stages and great patience and good will is needed.Hope you hang in there.

    • and that is the problem…we will never have a true friendship nor a mother/daughter realtionship. Adoption is unnatural and causes us all to be in a state of neither here nor there….

  3. I understand, although my daughter is only 5. I too suffer in silence due to lack of support networks. It’s m day here, and ive spent the day crying and feeling emotionally crippled. I wish the pain would end, and that ild find acceptance there somewhere. I feel so angry that once again her mother can not even bother to send a text or fb message (she’s been on half the day and i know she’s read my status updates) I mean, how hard is a simple thank you? I hope all our childrens mothers give a least half a seconds thought to the person who feels like they’re dying inside, who gave them the reason to celebrate today. We are left to commiserate, with no way to hide from or escape the ‘ram down your throat’ approach to m day. I bought myself ten yellow roses today, 5 for every year she has been gone, and 5 for all the other childless mothers who have lost their babies to adoption and suffer silently. My love goes to those who understnd our pain and i hope one day, when it comes to our reunion that she simply understnds why i made the choice i did.

    • Happy Mothers Day Lil-Ray and all the other mothers who are seperated from their child/children due to adoption. I hope the day passes quickly for all of us.
      Lil-Ray, I worked yesterday, barely made it through without a complete breakdown. I stopped at the liquor store on my way home thinking i had better prepare myself, i bought six bottles of wine and the woman at check out told me to have a happy mothers day. I told her that that was what the wine was for, to get through it. She had a look of shock/confusion.

  4. I had the same thing with my flowers. The lady told me my mother would love them and was horrified when i told her they were to remember me being a mother, and all my friends who have been thru the same. I’ve been reading a lot of blows and just read kristy’s. Knowing i was so close(in same town) and yet too layer has rocked me. The things she wrote about are all things i feel almost daily……

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