Unwanted and Other Fairytales

Adoption beliefs are skewed at best. Most of society believes that adoption takes place when a baby is unwanted or unloved. There are a lot of adoptees that believe they were abandoned by their mother for these reasons and that their adopters saved them. Reality isn’t so. These babies were wanted and were loved. They still are wanted and loved.
When a woman finds herself in an unplanned pregnancy, a lot of factors come into play. Family can create pressure on the young mother about what they feel she should do. Society can also create pressure even in todays day and age. Everyone seems to have an opinion. Adoption is almost assured to be brought up as an “unselfish and right” choice. Usually someone will suggest going to an agency to get more information. Once the young woman is in an agencies hands, she doesn’t have much hope of parenting her unborn child. They start with the emotional tear downs, usually playing on the mothers love for her child. They will make her feel unworthy of her baby and go so far as to suggest she is a bad mother for considering keeping her baby. After all, if you love your baby, you would want the best for him/her wouldn’t you?
Next will come the financial coercion. They will float out inflated figures of how much it costs to raise a child. Some actually post right on their website that it costs over $700,000 to raise a child, this is untrue of course. How will you afford it? Where will you live? If your parents won’t help you, do you know how much rent is? Most agencies know of homes that will assist single parents, but these are never suggested. They also won’t tell them of social funding available to assist them. This is the emotional teardown that happens to these young moms. Nowadays, they are also told of the wonders of open adoption and how they can still see their child however much they want to. These are lies. Once the papers are signed, you have no rights to that child. I know from personal experience, that open adoptions can and do close. Usually after the adoption is finalized and the adopters have gotten what they wanted. Open adoption is a LIE to entice women out of their baby and MOST infant adoptions are not unwanted babies. These women have been coerced out of their child. They usually realize too late what has happened and their baby is gone.

Other fairytales that float out there is that you are giving your child a two parent, financially stable home. They won’t tell you that adopters can and do divorce at the same rate as other couples. They won’t tell you that an adopter can run into financial trouble or lose their jobs the same as anyone else. They give them the mystique of being untouchable by these things. They also will not tell you that adopters can and do abuse the children they adopt. I’m not saying that all do, but SOME do. Until a child is in their home, how can they ever be convicted of child abuse or pedophilia? I have heard numerous accounts from adoptees of emotional and physical abuse at the hands of the adopters as well as sexual abuse. Did these children really go to a better home? Why was a mother considered unsuitable for her own child due to age or finances when she has not been proved to be an unfit mother by abuse nor neglect?

One of the worst fairytales told is that a mother will move on and forget after surrendering her child. We don’t. In fact, I will insert two studies here on the effect of adoption on the natural mother:

Kelly, J. (1999)

  • 89% of mothers answered “Extremely true” to the statement “Relinquishing my child was a traumatic experience. 96% answered either “Extremely true” or “Very true.”
  • 95% selected the “most frequent” or “most severe” response to one or more items measuring unresolved grief.
  • In response to items concerning depression, 51% reported experiencing severe depression since the relinquishment, with 97% reporting some degree of depression (mild, moderate, or severe).
  • 63% have had thoughts about killing themselves.
  • 85% stated it was extremely true that “I was either misled or not informed of the effects that relinquishment would have on me

– Kelly, J. (1999). The trauma of relinquishment: The long-term impact of relinquishment on birthmothers who lost their infants to adoption during the years 1965-1972. (Master’s thesis, Goddard College, 1999). – http://www.birthmothers.info/kelly/index.html

A study of “baby scoop era” mothers, yes, but there is NO evidence that more recent adoption practices are any better or easier on mothers.

another study, 21% attemped suicide:

Logan, J. (1996)

  • 21% of mothers had made attempts on their lives
  • 82% reported significant depression as a result of surrender
  • 68% described themselves as having a significant mental health problem.
  • 32% had been referred to specialized psychiatric treatment on an out-patient or in-patient basis and 18% had received treatment for a continuous period of 5 years or longer. This compares to a normative statistic of 3% of all women in the U.K. who were referred in 1993 to the same treatment service.

Logan, J. (1996). Birth mothers and their mental health: Uncharted territory. British Journal of Social Work, 26(5), 609-625.

Strangely, It does NOT appear that we move on nor forget our God given children. If an adoptee actually believes that this could be possible, it is based on fairytales or more bluntly, LIES. If you are an adoptee, be assured that your mother has never forgotten you and was and is severely traumatized by the loss of you. Please read Adoptee Angst by Celeste Billhartz, she is an adoptee with regrets. Do not live with the same regrets she has. If you have not found your mother, start looking today.

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Unwanted and Other Fairytales by vampporcupine is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported License.

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One thought on “Unwanted and Other Fairytales

  1. I never moved on or forgot my first born son. They also don’t tell us that we will always and forever love our children lost to adoption just as much as the children we are lucky enough to raise.

    My son was never unwanted, never unloved…

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